


Shiver

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Child Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Depression, Fear, Foster Care, Homelessness, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Tags to be added as I go, Viktor tries to be a good big brother, Yuri needs lots of love, otayuri in later chapters, service dog, sometimes agressiv and defensive Yuri
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-12 10:11:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,810
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13545183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Loneliness was Yuris greatest weakness and yet he had to face it ever day in his life on the streets. During winter it seemed even worse until one day, where his loneliness seemed to slowly vanish when someone very kind entered his life.





	1. Christmas Wonders

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter one, in which Yuri makes a risky move and meets someone important.
> 
> [This story follows Yuris childhood for the first few chapters. Rated E since it might get bad at some points. More tags will be added as I go. I'll try my best to update at least once a week]

 

Christmas. It was Yuris favorite and yet most hated time of the year. It always made him sad to see all those happy people around. In January everything, especially the air, seemed colder so he almost froze to death every night he slept outside. The positive thing about Christmas time however was that the people seemed to be kinder from time to time and gave him a bit more money than usual. They pitied him. Anyone would pity a 10 year old kid, sitting on the cold ground, begging for some food. Especially with his long hair, dirty face and thin body they gave him the saddest expressions they had, but sadness wasn't what Yuri needed. It was money. Money to survive.

 

Yuri spent most of his days like that. He sat in the city and begged in his usual spot. It was very rare he changed locations. He did this all day long until it got dark. This day was like that as well. There was only one week until Christmas and the city was packed with people. Yuri was there as well. He sat in the snow with his worn out pants and a thin sweater, slowly petting the cat that was on his lap. His whole body was shaking and from time to time he had to cough or sneeze. Nobody passing by even said a 'Bless you'. They only gave Yuri the same sad look over and over again. This day very few people seemed to be dropping money into his little cup.

 

It started to snow even harder again. The streets got emptier. It was no use. With a sigh the small boy got up and took the cup in his one hand, while he picked up the cat with the other, pressing her tight against his body. He looked into his still almost empty cup.

 

“Let's go...” He whispered to his cat and walked over to a man who looked into a shop window.

 

“Excuse me Sir, would you happen to have some money so I can afford something to eat for today for me and my cat?” There was no spoken response, only a shaking of the head before the man walked off. But Yuri wouldn't give up. His next target was a woman who hurried off as soon as she saw the kid coming closer to her. Yuri kept going and going, trying and trying, collecting some more coins until the sun was setting down. He let out a loud sigh when he looked into his cup again. The streets now were almost completely empty. Everyone was going home and the shops would close soon.

 

That thought woke Yuri up. The shops would close. As fast as he could the blond ran into the grocery story he always shopped at. The owner and even workers didn't like his presence, but the difference from the other shops close by was that they didn't kick him out just yet.

 

“Sorry, we're closing right now.” Said a young man when the blond entered out of breath.

 

“Please, I only need a minute!” Yuri started to plead. The man at the counter was new. He hadn't seen those light brown hairs and glasses ever before. He started to frown bit at the sight of Yuri who still had his cat on his arm and the cup in his other hand.

 

“Just hurry.” He finally sighed and so Yuri did. He ran through the store to grab some bread and a can of already prepared soup. The last thing he got was can of cat food. That was all he could afford. Finally he walked over to the counter and let the new employee scan everything before he put his cup of coins down. The man seemed even more annoyed all of the sudden.

 

“You must be fucking kidding me, right? Fuck off kid I won't count all those coins now! I told you already that were closing!” He started to yell. Even though Yuri should be used to it by now he flinched and took a step back.

 

“Please, I really need the food! I haven't eaten all day and I only have this to pay! Please!” He started to beg again but it was no use.

 

“I don't fucking care!” The man kept yelling. He slammed his hands on the counter so hard the cup almost fell over. “Leave now and never come back!”

 

Even though tears started to fill Yuris eyes he obeyed. He took back his cup and quietly left the store with his head lowered. Some tears rolled down his cheeks and sobs escaped his mouth as he made his way back to the bridge he usually slept under. Now the last shop had thrown him out as well.

 

_Maybe I need to switch cities_ , he thought. _The one here is more of a town after all, maybe I'll be more lucky in a bigger city. Saint Petersburg isn't that far away after all. If I save up and don't eat for a few more days I might be able to buy a train ticket before Christmas._

 

“What do you think about it?” He said aloud as he laid down on the hard ground, still holding on tightly to his cat who didn't seem to care and purred like always. “Maybe we will be luckier if we go, but maybe it's also a big mistake. I'm a bit scared.” He closed his eyes and drifted into the realm of dreams, which never was kind to him.

 

For two years Yuri had been on the streets now. For two years he had been running and surviving on his own. Next March it would be three years. He still remembered the day he ran away. He always dreamt about those painful days after all.

 

The next morning Yuri had made his decision. He would go. He wanted to go and he felt like he needed to go. This town was too close to his sad past and it was better to run away again earlier than too late. He couldn't stay and he had nothing to keep him there. Without thinking about it even longer Yuri started starving himself to save money and then, one day before Christmas, he had enough to buy a train ticket to Saint Petersburg and even a sandwich which he could buy at the station.

 

Yuri was happy and excited, yet a little nervous. This would be the first time he was driving by train. The people on his platform gave him weird and disgusted looks like he didn't belong but Yuri didn't care. There weren't many and the train would arrive soon.

 

As soon as possible he stepped in and was overwhelmed by the warmth of the vehicle. He almost forgot to keep moving and get a seat. He only remembered when a man behind him cleared his throat. Yuri was blocking the way. Quickly he moved to the side to let the man through, then looked around. The train wasn't really full. It was still early so the young male was lucky to find a seat. It was so soft. If it was a bit later Yuri would fall asleep there without any problem. It made him sad. He missed the warmth and having a bed but it wasn't worth going back home. Nothing was worth going back home.

 

The snow outside was strong like always. Yuri couldn't remember the last time he had seen it falling from inside somewhere. He would be able to enjoy it for one hour and he planned on doing so. When he petted the cat on his lap it felt like his body had been frozen the whole time and was finally defrosting a bit. Still he occasionally sneezed and coughed. He knew he had caught a cold, but there was nothing he could do about it.

 

Some time in the middle of the ride Yuris ticket was checked. The woman seemed to be very skeptical and checked it at least three times before telling Yuri to take care of that cat and not pull anything weird. When she finally left Yuri let out a sigh.

 

“Don't pull anything weird... I'm not a criminal, just a runaway. Why is everyone so skeptical of me?” He mumbled to which the cat responded with a loud purring noise. Yuri smiled at that. After all that little animal seemed to be the only one to understand him.

 

When the train stopped at his destination Yuri didn't want to get out at first and just stay in the warmth. He hesitated for a few seconds before jumping out and immediately having a shiver run down his spine. It seemed even colder now. He made his way out of the station and looked around in the busy streets. There were so many people doing some last minute Christmas shopping.

 

“Alright, let's get to work.” The boy walked around to search for a good place. On his way he encountered another homeless man. It wasn't a good idea to stay close to him, but he couldn't help it and glanced into the small box he had put up in front of him. It was almost empty except for one lonely coin. Yuri gulped down his saliva. He walked a little further before finally dropping to the ground and putting his cup down.

 

It was different. The people didn't even look at him. There were no sad expressions, no whispers how some people felt so bad for him. But Yuri was patient. He stayed for an hour. The two. When three hours passed he got up and walked around. He had to be more pushy here it seemed. His breathing had gotten harder. Suddenly he felt nervous about talking to people but he had to. He had to survive.

 

They kept ignoring him. Even when Yuri tried to talk to them the people kept walking, sometimes almost pushing him over. An old lady was the only one talking to him and apologizing for not having any more money with her, however she gave him a full water bottle she had just bought. Yuri thanked her several times before she went off.

 

At one point Yuri got tired. He had been walking through the cold so much and only got a water bottle. It was a mistake.

 

When he reached a small park he dropped himself on a bench. Tears rolled down his face. The biggest mistake he ever did. He should have stayed in the small towns like before. He wouldn't be able to survive in a big city like that. It was over. And with this thought he fall asleep while sitting.

 

“ _Daddy, what's wrong?!” The young boy shook his father by the arm. The ominous machine next to him started beeping louder and more often. “Daddy!” He yelled once again._

 

_The man in the hospital bed struggled to keep his eyes open._

 

“ _Yura.” He whispered underneath his breath. With all his strength he raised his arm one more time and stroke through his little sons hair. “Little Yura, I need to go on a little trip you know.” The man suddenly started to cough. “I will be gone for a long time Yura, but don't be sad okay? One day we'll see each other again.” He smiled a little and took his sons hand._

 

“ _Where are you going daddy?” Yuri asked even though he knew the answer. The tears wouldn't stop coming out of his eyes._

 

“ _To a beautiful place.” He coughed more and more, almost not able to breath in anymore. “I love you Yura, I want you to grow up and become a strong man, alright?”_

 

_Before Yuri could answer the mans eyes shut and there was a constant beeping. He started to scream, yelling or his father over and over again. Several people ran into the room but Yuri didn't care. He fought back when someone picked him up and took him out of the room. Even though the stranger was talking to him the whole time Yuri wouldn't calm down, not even when his very own mother hugged him and stroke his hair which was a rare occurrence, even then._

 

Yuri jumped up from the bench. A bark right next to him had woken him up. His body felt frozen. There was snow all over him. His lips had turned blue. It was a bad idea to fall asleep in such a place.

 

When Yuri slowly woke up completely, he realized it was morning. Christmas day.

 

The bark again. Even with his frozen limbs Yuri jumped up the the bench. Right next to him was a big brown poodle, playing with his cat. Confused he observed it, not saying a word when his coughs came back, worse than before. He felt a little dizzy, so he decided to sit down again and rest a bit more.

 

Both animals walked over. While his cat jumped up to his lap, the strange dog simply laid down his head on his knees. Hesitantly Yuri started to pet it and continued to do so when he saw the wagging tail. He smiled a bit.

 

“Who are you, hm? A stray?”

 

A bark was the answer and the dog raised his head, showing a red collar to the boy.

 

“So no stray. Where is your owner than?” He tried to stroke back his own hair only to realize it was completely wet from the snow, just like his clothes. When his cold hand touched his forehead he stopped for a second. It felt warm which wasn't good. He couldn't really afford a fever now.

 

The dog pulled in his tail and started to whine. Yuri knew exactly what this meant. He had no idea where his owner was. With a sigh he slowly stood up. No good idea. His head started to hurt but right now he didn't care. He needed to help a helpless creature.

 

“Alright, let's go look for him.” He kept the cat on his arm again and started walking. The Poodle stayed right by his side, very closely, occasionally looking up to Yuris face.

 

The more steps he took the worse Yuri felt. Suddenly the dog started barking.

 

“Are we... close?” Yuri breathed before dropping to his knees. There was no human close by, no one to help him. “Sorry dog, I failed you.” He mumbled with a smile as he completely dropped to the side and his eyes fell shut. The cat on his arm started to meow and came close to his face, licking him all over in an attempt to wake him up but there was no way. The boy wasn't asleep. He fainted.

 

The poodle reacted quickly. He barked one more time and sped off. Seemingly he knew the way home from this place on, just like Yuri had thought. He crawled through a hole under the fence back into the garden he had come from and ran inside the house that was smelling like cookies and candy. But the dog didn't get distracted. He ran into a big room where an older couple and a young man were sitting. As fast as he could he ran over to the young, silver haired male and started barking.

 

The male blinked in confusion. “What's the matter Makkachin? Do you want to play?” The dog kept barking. He walked some steps away and turned back again to signal that he should follow. The male seemed to understand and still clueless followed his dog. As soon as they were outside the dog started running again.

 

“Hey wait!” The male yelled and tried to keep up. To his surprise the dog didn't seem to run away from him and rather lead him somewhere. It wasn't long until it had vanished around a corner. With a frown he followed and stared in shock when he saw the small, seemingly lifeless body in the snow. His lips were blue, his face red. He seemed to be breathing but that meant nothing. The boy needed help now. Makkachin had sat down next to the body and now whined helplessly, while the cat still tried to wake him up.

 

The silver haired didn't think for too long. He set the cat to the side and picked up the small body from the ground. It seemed frozen and light as a feather.

 

“Makkachin, go back home please and wait, I'll take care of him!” Without waiting for his dog to go, he started to hurry off to the next doctor, however, it was Christmas. Most offices were closed on this day. For a moment the young male had to think. The hospital was the only possibility. And with that he started to run. The young boy in his arms groaned from time to time and shivered more with each second outside. He was genuinely relieved when they were finally inside the warm building.

 

With the boy on his arms he walked over to the counter. “You need to help me!” He stated loudly at the woman behind it. “My name is Viktor Nikiforov and I just found this boy outside! I think he is sick and he fainted!”

 

The woman didn't seem impressed and kept typing things into her computer. “What's his name?” She asked indifferent.

 

“My god, I have no idea! Like I said, I found him like that! Look at him, he looks completely destroyed! Who knows how long he had been out there!” Rage started to boil up inside of Viktor. How would they not help a child in a state like that, especially on Christmas?

 

“Did he have anything to identify him with?” The woman held back a yawn.

 

“No! Just help him please, if this is about money I'll pay for his expenses, I don't even care!” At that the woman finally turned her head towards the male and raised an eyebrow.

 

“You do know that depending on the treatments and length of the stay a hospital can be expensive right?”

 

“I don't care!” Viktor wailed. At that the young boy groaned again like he was in pain. “Please just help him!”

 

The woman sighed and at last called for a doctor. Viktor was relived. Finally.

 

The doctor arrived rather quickly. He told Viktor to follow him with the boy to a room so he could check him and he did. He waited patiently while the man was doing his work and stayed in the room with the unknown boy when the man was gone. After a while he became a bit impatient for the other to wake up. He wanted to help but for that he needed information and to talk to him.

 

_Maybe I should just go and come back tomorrow_ , he thought but quickly shook his head again. There was no way he could leave him there without any explanation what happened. And at last, after a few more minutes the blond opened his eyes and grumbled. He pulled the blanked more over his body in a hiding manner. Viktor could suddenly only see the bright green eyes and dirty blond hair.

 

“Hey, are you alright?” He asked quietly to not scare the boy, but failed.

 

When Yuri realized the warmth around him and the unfamiliar voice and sat up straight in the bed and looked around, his eyes widening in fear and shock.

 

“No,no please don't be scared, you're in a hospital!” The older waved his hands and had a troubled expression. Yuri started to stare at him in shock as his breathing got faster.

 

“H-hospital? What? Why?” Even his voice was trembling. Viktor started to frown little. He put his hands down again.

 

“You don't remember? Well, I suppose you fainted, at least I found you in the snow. I couldn't just leave you there and brought you here.”

 

“Why?!” The small boy held on tight to the blanket. “I don't have the money to pay for this! I need to go!” He already was about to get up when Viktor was suddenly standing and pushing him back down to the soft bed.

 

“No way! I'm paying this so don't worry about it!”

 

“I can't accep-”

 

“Well, you have to!” Viktor interrupted the boy. He hesitated for a few seconds before letting go of him and sighing. He sat down next to the bed again. “Okay, let's both calm down. What's your name?”

 

Yuri still tried to keep his distance. He didn't trust the stranger who would pay an expensive bill for him. “Yuri.” He answered, trying to sound cold.

 

“Okay, nice to meet you Yuri, I'm Viktor. Would you tell me why you collapsed outside?”

 

Viktor. Yuri tried not to even think about the name. Soon they would go separated ways again anyway. It was no use remembering it.

 

“Where else would I collapse?” He avoided to look at the older.

 

“Uhm, I don't know, let me rephrase this. The doctor said you had a very high fever and he thinks you're way to thin. Even I realized that when I carried you here. Anyways, why didn't you just stay home when you're sick? Especially on Christmas.”

 

“None of your business..” Yuri mumbled and turned away before pulling up the blanket again. The warmth just felt too good. There was silence. All of the sudden Yuri felt bad. This stranger had rescued him from freezing and was even paying the hospital for him and yet he acted like that. He sighed quietly. “I don't have a home.”

 

Viktors eyes widened. “Wait, what?”

 

“What didn't you understand about it?” He turned back to look at Viktor. He regretted it immediately when he saw the worried expression.

 

“Everything.” He said. “Why don't you have a home?”

 

At that Yuri stopped. After all he ran away. It was his fault he didn't have a home anymore. “My parents died in a car crash.” He lied. “I've been living on the streets since then. Is that enough for you? I don't like talking about my life story.”

 

The silver haired nodded. It was enough for him. He felt sorry for the boy. He turned to the window and looked outside. The sun was now high up.

 

“Shouldn't you be with your family as well?” The blond mumbled.

 

“Me? Oh yea I should, but I kinda thought it's more important to stay with you right now. I called already and apologized and my Parents say its fine.” He smiled. A very beautiful smile in Yuris opinion. “How old are you Yuri?” He asked all of the sudden.

 

“10, why do you ask?” Yuri didn't really think about what he was saying anymore. He was getting sleepy again. He fought to keep his eyes open and his guard up.

 

“You're so young and yet you live on the streets. I feel really bad for you.” When Yuri didn't respond Viktor cleared his throat. “I'm 22 by the way.” He smiled again.

 

“I didn't ask.” Yuri breathed. He didn't want to get too attached to the stranger. He would leave this city again as soon as he could.

 

“I don't care if you asked. I'm trying to have a conversation with you.”

 

Silence. For at least two minutes no one said anything before Yuri sat up in the bed and coughed. “Before I collapsed I tried to find the owner of a lost dog who had woken me up. Was he by any chance with me at that time? I really wanted to help him.”

 

Immediately Viktor started to frown. “Describe the dog please.”

 

That reaction confused Yuri, but he decided to answer. “Well he was quite big I guess. Brown curled fur. I think it was a poodle and the collar it had was red.”

 

“Makkachin!” The young man suddenly exclaimed aloud, making Yuri flinch. “Ah, sorry! That actually was my dog. I really need to fix that fence, he keeps running off.” He sighed once again. Slowly this noise became trusted to Yuri. “He actually lead me to you. Thanks for trying to bring him back home.”

 

“No problem.” Yuri breathed. “Listen...” The boy raised his head. “You should go spend time with your family. I'll be okay and am almost falling asleep anyways so...”

 

“Okay...” The male didn't seem convinced. “But I will be back tomorrow! Don't try to run, alright?” He started to smile again. Yuri looked away.

 

“Okay...” He responded and watched the older male leave.

 

_Sure_ , he thought. _All those lies about coming back. Why are adults such liars?_

 

When Viktor left the hospital he stopped. In front of the door sat the same cat he had seen when he picked up Yuri. He shook his head in disbelief. Probably it was just a random stray that looked a bit similar. Slowly he kept walking home to have a serious talk with his parents.

 

The next day Viktor got up early. He didn't want to let Yuri wait for too long. He had the suspicion the young boy had been let down way too often so he didn't want to do it as well. He took his keys and walked over to his car. With this the way was even shorter and also warmer of course. He parked it close to the entrance. When he was about to go in, he had to stop again. He could barely trust his eyes when he saw the same cat again, still sitting in the same spot as the day before. Maybe it wasn't a stray after all. Maybe it was connected to the Boy somehow. He crouched to give it some pets but it didn't seem to react.

 

“Hey, do you know Yuri?” It seemed like the cat understood. It turned it's head to look at Viktor. It almost had a sad expression. Viktor smiled at that. “Don't worry, I'm helping him. I have a surprise for him.” He stood up again and walked in and straight to Yuris room. Just when he wanted to enter he heard the boys voice screaming and yelling. Quickly he opened the door.

 

The room was completely messy, there even was broken glass on the floor. A doctor was standing close to him with a syringe in his hand. He tried to calm down Yuri but it didn't work. The boy started to hit and kick the air to keep the stranger away.

 

“Stop it! I don't want that! Go away!” He kept on yelling. Whatever was going on, Viktor knew it was serious.

 

“You need this injection!” The doctor stated and tried to come close once again, just to barely dodge the boys foot.

 

“No! Please stop it!”

 

“What the hell is going on?” Viktor said still calm. He walked over and stood between both of them to get some distance between them. It was clear to him Yuri was scared and upset.

 

“I need to give him this injection but he keeps fighting me.”

 

“What's it for?” Viktor asked still calmly.

 

“His fever is still to high so he needs medicine.”

 

“I don't want medicine! I'm fine!” Yuri suddenly yelled and jumped out of the bed. He walked over to the door. “I'm leaving!”

 

“You are.” Viktor said and quickly followed to put a hand on his shoulder “But with me.”

 


	2. Snowflakes melting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two in which Yuri finds home.

“Why the hell are you doing that?” Yuri barked at the older male.

 

“Because I don't want you to run of course.” Viktor answered, his grip tightening around the small boys shoulder on their way out. He heard the boy growl and grumble but he didn't speak any more words. When they reached the door Viktor tried to hold the boy even tighter, but it was no use. His hand was shoved away and the blond started running, to Viktors surprise, not very far. He dropped to his knees after a few steps and picked something up. It was the cat Viktor had seen before. He couldn't help but smile. So it was his cat after all.

 

“Oh Potya, are you all right? I'm sorry that I was gone.” He pressed the small animal to his chest and cuddled it. He didn't realize Viktor walking up to them and crouching down at first.

 

“So that's her name? Potya? Kinda cute.” Yuri flinched away as soon as he heard the dark voice. He still didn't really trust the other. Viktor didn't say anything but got up and held out his hand, waiting for Yuri to take it. For a second the blond wanted to, but then got up without any help.

 

“Follow me.” Viktor sighed.

 

“Why?” The boy asked without any emotion. He stood his ground, not moving and inch.

 

“I told you already that you're coming with me, right? It's cold here Yuri, let's got to my car and drive home.” The taller started to plead a bit. He was freezing already. He didn't understand how a child this age could even survive outside for that long on his own.

 

“I don't trust you. Maybe you want to rape me or bring me to an orphanage.”

 

“Don't be ridiculous.” Viktor stroke back his silver hair. “If I wanted to rape you, I could have already done it. Why would I even have brought you to the hospital then?” Yuri remained quiet. “And I also suppose you have your reasons for living on the street so I wouldn't bring you to an orphanage. Listen, I will take you to my home. Stay for only a few days until you are healthy again please. I'll get medicine for you. If you hate it that much you can leave again as soon as you're not sick anymore.”

 

Yuri hesitated. What the man had said was true and it would be better to stay in an warm environment until he was fine again. He looked down at his cat again, like he waited for her to approve but of course this one showed no reaction. “Fine...” The boy mumbled and walked up to Viktor. “I'll be gone as soon as I can tho.”

 

Immediately a smile appeared on Viktors lips. He took one of the boys hands and pulled him to the car. As soon as both were inside he put on the heater, even though the drive was short. At a traffic light Viktor turned his head to look at Yuri who has sunken deeper into the seat. He seemed to comfortable.

 

“I might still have old clothes at home from when I was your age. My mom likes to keep this stuff on the attic. Maybe we can find something warm that fits you.” The boy only nodded. The heat was making him drowsy again. He needed to get used to it.

 

The car was parked in front of a big house. Yuri was stunned. For a moment he supposed he was dreaming but it was still there after he had pinched himself and rubbed his eyes. It still felt unreal when he was standing right in front of the door and Viktor unlocked it.

 

“We're home!” The young male yelled with a smile. So his parents knew about his plan. Yuri looked around, trying to take in everything this huge house had to offer. It was so different from his old home. The walls had a beautiful cream color and there were pictures hanging everywhere.

 

When Yuri heard steps coming into their direction he suddenly wanted to hide. He had no idea where this came from. He had always been open. He had to be to get money but suddenly he felt like he was on a display and it embarrassed him. He felt his cheeks flush.

 

The two adults appearing in front of him looked nice. They looked like people that would give him money when he begged. Both seemed a little older but not ancient. The man had dark brown hair with some gray strands. His eyes were just as blue as Viktors and he was tall. He wore a smile on his lips. The woman however had silver hair like his son. Her eyes were just as blue as well.

 

“Welcome Yuri.” She said. “Viktor told us about you yesterday. Stay as long as you'd like to alright?” She gave the boy a warm smile. He couldn't protest against it and simply nodded. It was like they robbed all the words out of his mouth. Those people seemed to nice and polite. It was nothing like his home where the mood had always been as cold as ice.

 

“I hope you enjoy it here at least a bit Yuri. Just feel like this is your home.” The man added. Yuri shivered. He didn't want this to feel like his old home. He wanted it to stay perfect. For a moment he couldn't help but think he was destroying this perfect home. Viktors perfect home.

 

“Mama.” Viktor smiled. “Yuri needs a bath and some new clothes. Do we still have the boxes on the attic?” The woman nodded. “Great! Could you run him a hot bath then while search for it?”

 

Another nod and suddenly the woman and Viktor were gone like they vanished in thin air. Yuri was now alone with the older man. He felt so vulnerable suddenly and clenched his cat harder to his chest. The man simply smiled.

 

“Are you okay Yuri? I can show you around a bit if you'd like that.” Yuri didn't want to get too attached to the place but he didn't want to keep standing around like that either, so he nodded reluctantly. He walked up closer to the man with slow steps. This one adapted to it. He could see the boy was shaking like crazy. He stopped in the first room.

 

“Well, that's our living room.” Yuri looked around. The room was huge. The walls had a warm red color. A black huge sofa stood in front of the huge TV. It felt like a dream. There were so many decorations and items Yuri had ever seen before.

 

“It's....nice...” he said quietly, not wanting to admit how amazing it actually was.

 

The tour kept going. He was shown the kitchen and office, also the big bathroom where steaming hot water was filling a huge tub. The man then opened another door.

 

“That's Viktors bedroom. Don't sniff around too much who knows what he's keeping in there.” The man laughed. It made Yuri smile. He only took a step inside and looked around.

 

“What are all these medals and trophies for...?” He asked hesitantly.

 

“Ah Viktor is a figure skater, a pretty good one too I suppose. I don't know a lot about it but I support him and I'm happy for him whenever he wins. It's actually his main source of income so it is going pretty well I'd say.” When Yuri stepped out he closed the door again. An income based on figure skating. It amazed Yuri.

 

“Isn't it risky? If he loses he won't get money, right?” It bothered himself that he was sowing so much interest in the other male but he simply couldn't stop asking questions. He was getting to attached already. He needed to get well soon and leave.

 

“Kind of, yes. He still has sponsors, but if he does bad those might also leave him hanging. Like I said, I don't know much about it, you should ask him or my wife about it, they can answer all this a lot better than I can.” Yuri nodded. It was better not knowing too much. He wouldn't ask any more.

 

“Yuri?” A female voice. Yuri turned around to see the woman smiling. She had some towels in her hand. “You're bath is ready love. Just use Viktors shampoo, alright?” She handed over the towels and a bottle of shampoo and conditioner. Yuri took everything without any word and walked into the bathroom. It felt like the hot steam hit him in the face.

 

He locked the door behind him before he walked up to the tub. He only put one hand in the water. It felt burning but so _good._ Next to the tub Yuri saw some folded clothes. The decided to put the towels next to them and the shampoo on the edge of the tub. Slowly he took of his clothes. In the tour before he had seen a container for dirty clothes. A bit hesitant he put them in there. At this point he couldn't even remember for how long he had worn those. It wasn't like he never washed them before but it had been some time.

 

With slow steps he walked over to the tub and stepped in. Despite the heat he didn't wait long before sitting down. At first the heat was so big it hurt, but after a few seconds of getting used to it, it felt amazing. Yuri leaned back to relax when he head voices from the outside. Even though the house was huge and beautiful, the walls didn't seem too thick.

 

“I feel so sorry for him.” It was the female voice of Viktors mother. “I wish we could do more for him. He is so young, the poor thing. I wish he could just stay.”

 

“Well he could...” Viktor. Yuri realized he didn't sound as cheery as before. “But I think he wants to. He didn't even want to come with me at first. So I just want to give him a good time for as log as he is here.”

 

Yuri sunk a bit deeper into the water. He suddenly felt bad for being like that but he couldn't just trust anyone.

 

“I bet he has gone through a lot. I want to give him a better life.” Viktor again.

 

Yuri didn't want to hear anymore. He sunk even deeper, diving underwater for a few seconds. He breathed heavily and coughed as soon as he came up. It didn't take long for a knock on the door.

 

“Yuri? Are you alright?” Viktor sounded worried. Very worried. Sure, if Yuri could hear them talk, they could hear him cough.

 

“I'm good, don't worry..” He answered silently.

 

“Okay, If you need something just call for me, alright?”

 

Yuri didn't answer this time and after a moment head steps leading away from the door. The other was finally leaving. Yuri pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them. Even with his wet face he felt the tears rolling down his cheeks. He didn't know why he was crying when he wasn't sad, but he hated it. It made him angry, so angry he wanted to scream. But he didn't. Instead he just sat there, crying until he water didn't feel hot anymore.

 

He whipped away his tears. When he looked at his hands he saw all the dead skin and dirt he had rubbed off with just that little movement. He hadn't realized how dirty he was before. Now he had the chance to get really clean again so he used is. He started to scrub off all the dirt. Since he had been sitting in the water for a while, it didn't take as long as he had expected, but still the water seemed so dark and disgusting when he finished.

 

“All this had been on my body...” He whispered to himself. “I'm so disgusting...” He grabbed the shampoo bottle. Even that seemed expensive. He put a little bit into his hand before he started washing his hair. It was hard. His hair was so tangled and matted he could barely get his fingers through it. He washed it out carefully and did the same with the conditioner again. When he had washed out everything his hair was still in knots but it felt softer.

 

Yuri didn't know how long he had been in there but he knew the water was getting cold. It was time to get out. When he stood up he realized how dizzy he was. He had no idea if it came from the warmth or from being sick, but he supposed it was both. He quickly wrapped a towel around his waist and sat down on the edge of the tub again to calm down. His heart was beating against his chest.

 

It took Yuri long to get dry and dressed. The clothes were nice. They were a little to big and wide for him but they were warm. The sweat pants would slide down if he didn't tie them very tight to him. The hoodie was too long but about this Yuri didn't care. His hair was still wet when he left the room. At an instant he heard steps coming toward him. He saw Viktor only a second later.

 

“I was so worried, you were in there for so long, are you okay?” He looked the boy over with a frown. “I thought those clothes would fit. Sorry I'll search for something smaller.”

 

“Don't bother...” Yuri whispered. “It's quite comfortable.” He admitted hesitant while snuggling up in the hoodie. Viktor nodded. The cheeky smile appeared on his face again.

 

“Oh, we have a blow drier for the hair! Do you want to use it? Do you know how to use it? I can help you, your hair looks very tangled in my opinion.”

 

At first, Yuri wanted to say no but something in his head screamed at him to accept the offer. He didn't know when he would get the chance for a luxury like that again. Slowly he nodded. Viktor ran into the bathroom and grabbed the blow drier from somewhere Yuri couldn't see. He came back and took Yuris hand, pulling him to his room to sit him down on the bed. From his desk he then took a hairbrush and plugged in the dryer.

 

“I'll try to brush through it like that at first, okay? Tell me if it hurts.” Viktor started to move the brush through the thick blond hair. It was a challenge.

 

It hurt, but Yuri kept his mouth shut. He didn't want to complain and he knew Viktor was already trying to be careful. Yuri needed to distract himself. He bit his lower lip.

 

“Your father said you like ice skating...” He finally mumbled. He could feel the expression of the older lighting up. He didn't even need to see it.

 

“Yes! I'm a figure skater since I was a child, even younger than you. Did you ever ice skate?”

 

Yuri closed his eyes. “I did.” The memories flooded into his head. He was still very small. It was winter, years ago when his grandfather was still there with him. He missed that time. “But I wasn't good. I fell all the time.”

 

“As long as you always get up that's not a problem in my opinion. I still fall sometimes but why give up?” Viktor chuckled. “Maybe I can teach you a bit some time.” He said mindlessly.

 

“I will leave as soon as I ca-”

 

“Why?” His voice suddenly was serious. “Yuri you can stay here for as long as you want. You don't have to live on the street anymore. We will take care of you.”

 

Yuri bit his lip again. “I can't accep-”

 

“But you can!” Viktor cried out. “You can accept it. We _want_ you to stay. We _want_ to help you. I would feel so bad to let you go again. _Yura_.”

 

The name hit Yuri right in the face. Yura. When had he been called this the last time? He couldn't remember. Yuri wanted to cry. The tears wanted out but Yuri forced himself to keep them in. He didn't want to cry in front of someone.

 

“I need to think about it.” He brought out. Then the blow trier was switched on. No more words were shared. After quite a long time the brush seemed to go through his hair a lot smoother.

 

“Done.” Viktor said s he put it to the side. He ran his fingers through the blond hair. “Your hair is really pretty Yuri.”

 

“Thanks...” The boy whispered and got up. He wanted to flee to the guest room. The room he would be staying in but he was held back once more.

 

“Let's go downstairs and eat.” The tall male said with a smile.

 

Yuri didn't speak much anymore. He enjoyed the warm food and thanked for it, but that was all. He fled to his room as soon as he could. He found his cat on the bed. He let himself fall on to it and hugged her tightly before closing his eyes. Against his expectations he didn't fall asleep right away. His head was too full.

 

“Potya... What shall we do?” He sniffled. “They offer me to stay but can I really accept this? I'm just a runaway. It was my own choice. I _have_ a home. How can I just settle in with those nice strangers?” Yuri started to sob, still quietly. He didn't want anyone to hear it.

 

Slowly Yuri cried himself to sleep.

 

When Yuri woke up the next morning he found a note and medication on the little table next to his bed.

 

“ _Good morning Yuri. I didn't want to wake you up. Please take one pill when you wake up and one before going to bed in the evening. I have practice today but my parents will be home so if you need company, they will be there for you. See you later this evening. Viktor.”_

 

Yuri sighed. He stared at the pills. Medication. He had had bad experiences with it but he didn't have to fear anything here, had he? With shaking hands he popped out one pill. A water bottle had been placed on the floor. He screwed it open but kept staring at the pill. He was scared. Way too scared. It was just medicine. A little pill. It would only help against his cold. He even knew what it was. He had the package. He could read the brand. It was nothing that could harm him and then there it came. The awaited panic attack. His breathing got even faster. Everything around him started to shift and turn. Colors in front of him were flashing. It was just like the last one he had a few weeks ago. Thy seemed to get more regularly. Yuri tried to breath slowly. Inhale and keep his breath for a moment but it didn't work. Inhaling didn't work. There were voices inside in his head. Too many for him to understand anything. The colors got darker and then he was out of it.

 

“-ri! Yuri! Yuri wake up!” Yuri felt something touching his cheek over and over. It was a light slap. When he opened his eyes he saw the blurry outlines of Viktor. The colors around him still seemed to be changing slightly and his head. It hurt.

 

“Oh Lord, finally! I was about to call an ambulance! Yuri, what happened? Mum called me! She said she heard a crash and then found you on the floor like this!”

 

The floor. Just then Yuri felt the hard ground beneath him. He must have fallen sideways when he passed out. How long had he been out for anyways?

 

“Sorry..” He tried to get up. No use, he had no strength. When Viktor realized that he helped to get him to the bed. “That just happens sometimes. It's no big deal.”

 

“It is!” Viktor cried out. “Yuri I'm so concerned about you! Please tell me what happened!”

 

“You're too loud... Like I said I just have these attacks. Sometimes I panic for a reason and and sometimes it just happens.” Viktors expression was way more concerned and sad than Yuri had expected. After all he was just a stranger, wasn't he? “I guess it got triggered because of the medicine this time.”

 

“The medicine?” Viktor looked around. The water had spilled everywhere and on the floor he saw the small capsule. He picked it up. “Why that? It's just against your cold.”

 

“I don't _know_ okay?” But he knew. Yuri knew why he was so scared about medicine, but there was no way he could talk about it. “But I can't take them. It makes me sick to the stomach just to look at them. I will get better without them. I just need to rest. Please.”

 

Viktor had to think. If it was true, the medicine would only make the boys condition worse. After all he seemed a bit better already even without taking them so he slowly nodded. “But if it gets worse you will have to take them. I'm sorry.”

 

Yuri didn't respond anymore. He crawled under the blanket and turned away, not planning to get out of bed anymore this day.

 

And Yuri really didn't come out of his bed anymore the whole day. He ignored the knocks and being called for lunch and dinner. I ignored Viktors mother coming in later that evening to place a little snack on his table. The only thing he didn't ignore was the big dog sneaking into his room in the middle of the night. He turned around at the sound of the paws and smiled. The dog jumped up on the bed right next to Yuri and placed his big head on his chest. Mindlessly Yuri started to pet through the soft fur.

 

“Makkachin was it, right?” He asked like the dog could answer. “I guess thanks to you I'm still alive. Thank you Makkachin.” He closed his eyes for a moment and breathed. “What do you think Makkachin? Do you think I should stay here?”

 

The dog suddenly raised his head. He looked towards the door for a moment then into Yuris face. For some reason he boy understood.

 

 _If you really wanted to leave, you would have done it already by now._ And it was true. There was something that kept Yuri there. Something that held him back. Never he had felt as loved as here before. Never someone cared as much about and for him. This was the life he always had wished for and now he was debating to leave it even though it was offered to him on a silver plate.

 

“Thank you Makka...” He whispered as he wrapped his arms around the dog. It made him calm and he could finally fall asleep. For once Yuri didn't have a nightmare.

 

The next morning Yuri was awake early. Makkachin was still partly laying on top of him but he as well had his eyes open and started wagging his tail as soon as he realized Yuri waking up. He licked his cheek before jumping from the bed. Instead of running out he kept looking at Yuri. Again he understood. With a sigh he got out of the bed and followed Makkachin. There was a pleasant scent around the house and of course voices. This time Yuri ignored them and followed Makkachin to the kitchen. Three heads turned at once and smiled at the young boy.

 

“Good morning Yuri, did you sleep well tonight?” Viktor ask. His smiled looked forced.

 

Yuri nodded. He sat don on an empty chair next to him. He observed Makkachin walk over to his bowl and eat.

 

“Are you hungry dear?” The woman asked but didn't even wait for a response before placing the food in front of him. He still decided to nod and thank her before eating.

 

There was an uncomfortable silence during breakfast. Yuri wanted to speak but somehow his courage had left him up until the moment Makkachin came back and jumped on his lap with his front legs. The dog was heavy. Yuri slowly wrapped his arms around his neck.

 

“Thank you for taking care of me...” He whispered finally, pulling all the attention on him. He continued before anyone could speak. “I have a question. Are you telling the truth when you're saying I can stay?”

 

“Of course!” Viktor jumped up. The blond tried not to look at him. “We're worried about you! Right? Mom, Dad?” From the corner of his eyes he could see both adults nod.

 

“Yuri.” It was Viktors father. “We want the best for you. You're so young, you don't deserve to live on the street okay? You can stay here for as long as you'd like to. We'd do anything for you.”

 

Yuri nodded. His stomach was twisting inside of him. He couldn't believe he was about to make such a selfish request. He clenched his hands to hold on tighter to Makkachins fur.

 

“I always wished for a family life like that, so, please take care of me. But if I'm too much of a challenge please tell me.”

 

There was no answer to his request but a sudden firm hug and happy faces. All of the sudden Yuri had a new home with people who cared about him.

 

And just like that the month passed by and February was there. Yuri spent most of his time inside, getting used to being able to shower every day, watching TV, having warm meals and whatsoever. He still wore Viktors old clothes that were too big even after he had gained a bit of weight. Whenever he was asked to go shopping he declined, not wanting his new family to spend too much money on him.

 

After his first month Yuri came down to eat breakfast once, only to find school supplies on the table. He was alone with Viktors mother at that time. Supposedly Viktor himself had left for practice already.

 

“Yuri dear, can we talk for a moment?” The woman smiled at him from the table.

 

“Course...” He mumbled, sitting down opposite her.

 

“So Viktor gave me a good idea. We three talked for a while and came to the conclusion you need your education.” Yuri started to frown. It had been more than two years since he went to school. There was no way he could adapt to it again so quickly. He felt his breathing get faster. His last attack had been only a few days back. Luckily it went unnoticed.

 

“But we thought you probably didn't go to school for all the time you were on the streets. We got the idea we could home-school you until you catch up on everything a bit before sending you to school. What do you think about it?”

 

The offer should have calmed him down, but really it didn't. He tried his best to hide his fast breathing. He didn't want to decline anything he was offered anymore. They already bought him school books and everything else. He didn't want it to be for nothing.

 

“Sure...” He murmured quietly. “I was a good student once..” He added, not really knowing why. It wasn't a lie, but it had other reasons.

 

The older woman seemed really happy about this answer. It relived Yuri just a bit. “That's great. Let's start after breakfast then, alright?” And Yuri nodded.

 

It wasn't as bad as Yuri had expected. He picked up most things quickly but his heartbeat was till way too fast for his liking. When noon came he was surprised to hear that they would stop for today. Yuri nodded. He jumped up from his chair and ran to his room.

 

During that month it hadn't changed at all. The walls were still white and there was nothing inside besides the bed, nightstand, table and closet. It was plain but it wasn't a problem for Yuri.

 

The boy dropped down to his bed and curled into a ball. His mind was blank and then everything around him was black again, like so often.

 

At first it was the same every day. Yuri woke up. He ate breakfast and did he school work while on the edge of a breakdown. After that he spent his day in his room but soon it felt lonely. Some times he would try to stay downstairs with Viktors parents but even then the loneliness didn't vanish. He barely saw Viktor anymore since he was spending most of his time ice skating. It wasn't rare Yuri cried when he was alone in his bed.

 

At the end of the month this had become a firm routine for Yuri, accompanied by sudden break downs from time to time. One morning when he wanted to go downstairs for breakfast he stopped as soon as he had opened his door. There was a voice he barely heard anymore. Viktor.

 

“What do you mean? Do you think he is sick again?” Yuri froze in place. He knew what they were talking about immediately. Him.

 

“No...” It was his mothers voice. “I don't think so, but recently he's keeping his distance a lot. It started happening when we started the school thing. He seems on the edge a lot. We've been trying to distract him, talk to him, watch movies and everything we can think of, but he just seems so sad.” A sigh. “I sometimes hear him cry when he is in bed and I pass by his room.”

 

Yuri wanted to run back to his room and lock the door but he couldn't move.

 

“Cry? I really thought he liked it here.” Viktor sounded so disappointed.

 

“He feels lonely.” Said a male voice suddenly. Viktors father was right. He felt lonely, but how could he know? “Let's be honest he has no one. He is a kid. When I was his age, hanging around with old people wouldn't make me feel less lonely as well. And he isn't used to all of this yet.”

 

“What about his attacks?” It was Viktor again.

 

“He still had them.” Yuri had to hold on to the door frame. How could anyone know? He always was able to hide in his room before something happened, right?

 

“I found him several times in the bathroom unconscious, he even had two or three while he was just in the living room when I prepared food. I always brought him to his room. I don't think he remembers me realizing...” The woman sounded so sad. Yuri sunk to his knees. So he wasn't able to hide it after all. “And I think he has even more when he is alone. Viktor, can't you try to get his mind off of things from time to time? He is so young and seems so tense. He came here because you asked him.”

 

“I'll try. Let me go wake him up.” Yuri head a chair being pushed back. He needed to get back to his bed and pretend the was asleep before Viktor could see him. It was a harder task then expected. Somehow he managed to hide underneath his blanket a few second before the knock on his door.

 

“Yuri? Are you awake?”

 

With his eyes still open wide he grumbled, trying to sound like he was woken up by him. The door opened slowly.

 

“Sorry if I woke you up.” He came in and sat down on the edge of the bed. “You know, my coach got sick so I thought we could do something together today. We haven't spoken in quite some time, right?”

 

Yuri faked rubbing his eyes before sitting up in the bed.

 

“What do you want to do then?” He tried to avoid looking over still.

 

“Remember what I said a while back?” He asked with a smile Yuri couldn't see. “I said I could teach you ice skating and since the coach is sick, we will have the whole rink for us. How about it?”

 

At first Yuri wanted to decline but then again he felt the distraction might be good. He looked up. “Can we take Potya and Makkachin with us?”

 

“Sure!” Viktor jumped up. “Then go get ready and eat something! I'll wait for you!” And with that he was out of the room.

 

After a moment Yuri walked into a bathroom to take a shower.

 

 _An amazing opportunity to embarrass myself,_ he thought when he turned on the water. _I'll be such a failure._

 

Yuri shivered when they entered the cold hall. It was empty, no one there but Viktor had keys. He had explained he got them after begging for so long to practice longer when he was younger and that his coach had probably forgotten about it by now.

 

Yuri struggled with even putting on the skates. Again it was a pair of Viktors old ones. The older man knelt down before him and showed him how to tie them correctly, making Yuri blush a little.

 

“I know that, I'm not an idiot.” He hissed but soon embarrassed himself again when he could barely stand and almost fell sideways.

 

On the ice itself it was even worse. Even after the short explanation he had received Yuri kept on stumbling and almost falling. He kept close to the wall to hold on to it just in case.

 

When he finally got a bit more steady Yuri felt unbelievably good. He felt weightless and when he looked over to Viktor and saw him do these amazing jumps and turns he stared in awe. Of course the older realized and came over.

 

“You okay Yuri?” He smiled, skating backwards in front of the smaller. “Do you need help? I could hold your hand if you'd like me to.”

 

“No.” the blond huffed and finally let go of the wall. He took a deep breath and started skating forward slowly, highly concentrated.

 

“Don't think about falling. If it happens, it happens it's no big deal, look.” With that Viktor acted like he tumbled and fell backwards to his butt. Even though he knew it was just an act Yuri started to chuckle. “You see? It's no big deal. It's all about getting up and trying to step over your boundaries.”

 

Yuri nodded.

 

As the day progressed Yuri was getting better and better. He was skating faster and even backwards like Viktor had taught him and the best of all, he was smiling the whole time. He loved skating. Never he had done something he loved as much as this before.

 

The drive home took around half an hour. Yuri was exhausted. He almost fell asleep in the backseat, cuddling up to Makkachin and Potya in his lap.

 

“Viktor..” he mumbled with his eyes closed. “Can we do that again some time? I really like it.”

 

The man smiled. If was hard to concentrate on the road when he just wanted to hug the child. “Sure Yuri. Let's do it again.” He felt happy and proud that he was able to get the boys thoughts off of things. Happy that he distracted him and found something he enjoyed. He felt like a real big brother at this point.

 

Yuri barely was able to make it to bed when they arrived. He dropped down, cuddled up into his blanket and finally relaxed after this exhausting day.

 

Despite getting distracted by Viktor sometimes, Yuri still didn't feel too good and then, March 1st was there. That morning he didn't want to get up at all. For two hours already Yuri had been laying around in his bed staring at the ceiling.

 

“I hate this.” He whispered and pulled the blanket over his head. He had ignored the knocks on his door for a while now but there it was again. He kept quiet and hoped the door wouldn't open.

 

“Yuri, are you okay?” It was a female voice. Yuri didn't respond. He heard a sigh and steps.

 

“For gods sake...” He pulled away his blanket and sat up. “Okay Yuri, just act like it's a normal day.” He told himself before slowly getting up.

 

Yuri showered for at least an hour before going downstairs. He said no word and grabbed his school books. With those he walked into his room again to start on his exercises. He didn't want to hide but somehow he still did.

 

The next time there was a knock no one asked to enter. The door was pushed open. From the corner of his eye Yuri could see Viktor.

 

“Yura!” That nickname again. During the last month Viktor had used it a lot but still he wasn't used to it. “Are you alright? It's already noon and mom said you hadn't come out of your room yet. I came home a bit early and decided to check on you.” He jumped up on the table to sit on it.

 

“I'm good...” Yuri answered, still not looking up.

 

“You're doing school work? I was told you're catching up super quickly. You're pretty smart.”

 

“I guess...” Yuri put his pen to the side and leaned back. “What's the matter Viktor? I told you I was fine but you're still here.”

 

Viktor leaned forward and with two fingers took Yuris chin. He looked deep into the emerald eyes.

 

“I don't believe you. I know that there's something in your mind.”

 

“Stop it.” Yuri pushed off the hand and jumped up.

 

Viktor blinked. He jumped down form the table and slowly made his was to the door. Yuri stared at him. He didn't want Viktor to leave but he didn't really want to talk either. However, he felt most comfortable with Viktor. He felt like a real older brother to him. Like they had known each other forever already.

 

Yuri took some quick steps forward and held on to the older boys wrist. He felt him turn around but kept looking to the ground. It felt like his insides were shaking.

 

“It's... actually my birthday today.” He murmured when he finally let go of the wrist. He didn't really expect to be picked up and twirled around in the air just the next second.

 

“Oh my god Yura, you should have told me before! I would have planned something for you, now I need to improvise! Moooom make a cake, it's Yuras birthday!”

 

Yuri was still in shock when he was put back on the ground again. He felt dizzy. He didn't expect that reaction at all but it made him happy. It made him forget about his previous birthdays.

 

“You don't need to do something special, honestly.”

 

“No way!” Viktor started to pout like a child. “You're now my little brother, of course I'll do something or you! Come on, let's go! You're not doing any more schoolwork today!” He pulled the boy out of the room and downstairs so fast it almost made him fall.

 

Even though Yuri would never say it out loud, he enjoyed the day a lot. Sure, it was exhausting and Viktor was annoying from time to time but he didn't mind. When they were outside and shopping Yuri felt nervous but keeping close to Viktor and Makkachin helped him not to get too anxious.

 

The cake had been delicious as well. In the end of the day Yuri was laying in his bed, completely exhausted but till not able to sleep. Viktor had bought him so much stuff that day. Clothes, toys, plushies, everything he ever wished for. Even a phone. Yuri didn't know what exactly he needed it for, he had no friends, but he treasured it already. Viktor didn't even look at the prices. He had only asked Yuri which smartphone he thought was cool and bought it. Now it was dark outside and Yuri had been endlessly scrolling though the app store, installing everything he thought looked fun.

 

The knock on the door startled him. He locked his phone and put it to the side. “Yes?” He answered and watched his new family come in.

 

“Yura, we have another surprise for you.” Viktor smiled. He had another package in his hand.

 

“You already gave me way too many gifts. I can't-”

 

“Oh shush you.” He laughed and handed over the gift. Slowly Yuri opened the box. Inside he found ice skates and a little jacket with the name of the ice rink Viktor skated at. Confused he looked up but Viktor kept smiling.

 

“We talked a bit and I told mum and dad how much you liked skating and that you are just a natural so they decided to sign you up for skating and ballet lessons. If you don't like it you can always stop.”

 

Yuri had no words. He stared back down to his own pair of skates and his own jacket.

 

“Thank you.” He whispered while pressing the jacket to his chest. “Thank you a lot.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone.  
> I had this chapter finished for some time already but was a little too lazy to edit it. I finally did it and fom now on will TRY to update every Sunday or Monday. Sorry if I can't make it.. Again, I will add more tags when the story progesses and there is something new I have to tag. Thanks for reading everyone, have a nice day!


	3. Happiness?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 in which Yuri is questioning what Happiness feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I'm so sorry this chapter took to long to write. I broke my laptop and now the keyboard doesn't work anymore. I just got an external one for the time being today and could finish this chapter. To be honest it is really rushed as I kind of have a writers block so I promise the next one will be better, however I have some tests coming up in school during the next 2 weeks so I don't know how much I'll be able to write during this time. I will try my best tho!

A year passed by. A year in which Yuri learned a lot really quick but also a year in which his panic attacks were getting worse. A year in which he caught up with school. A year in which he was learning how to skate and was actually becoming good and a year in which he was starting to cling to Viktor even more. Every free minute he had he was by his side and Viktor was happy about it. It made him feel like a big brother even more but it also concerned him. For some time already Viktor had thought about finally moving out and getting his own apartment, but since Yuri was there he didn't know what to do anymore, knowing how much the younger one seemed to need him. So he pushed his own desires away to support Yuri in whatever he wanted and was doing.

 

Throughout that year Yuri also started to love Makkachin. The big dog was his everything. He could talk to him whenever he needed to and he calmed him down. When Viktor found out about that he started teaching Makkachin even more things. The dog began recognizing some of Yuris behaviors before a panic attack, he started touching his hands with his nose when Yuri was scratching himself or tried to inflict pain to himself and he even laid on top of him whenever Yuri fainted to keep pressure on him and to keep him warm. Yuri didn't know that Viktor had taught him all of these things but he enjoyed it and started to take the dog everywhere he could and was devastated and panicked even more as soon as Makkachin couldn't enter somewhere.

 

It was when summer rolled around that Yuri wanted to train more and more and get even better. He always did is schoolwork as fast as possible and then went to the rink to skate on his own until his lessons started. Some would say he overdid it, but he didn't see it like that.

 

One day, just when he wanted to leave he was held back by Viktor who surprisingly was at home.

 

“Yura?” He called a little surprised. The blond turned around. He already wore his jacket and had his skates and Makkachin's leash in his hands when he faced the older.

 

“Why are you here?” He asked surprised.

 

“I wanted to talk to you for a moment, can you come to the living room?”

 

The younger nodded and followed him into the living room where they sat down on the huge sofa. Viktor searched around in his bag for a moment, then handed some brochure to him. With a frown Yuri took it and looked at it. It was about their ice skating rink.

 

“A summer camp?” He finally asked when he had read through it. Viktor nodded.

 

“You wanna go? You can skate and train a lot. You might meet some nice people and sleep at the rink. It's for a week. I'll be one of the instructors there so I can sign you up. It will start in two weeks.”

 

Yuri wanted to say yes but then doubt overcame him. He would have to stay there, with strangers, all alone, only seeing Viktor from time to time, but otherwise he wouldn't be able to skate at the rink for a week. He only realized himself breathing faster when Makkachin placed his paw on Yuri's leg. He started to pet the dog to calm down. “Can I... Can I take Makkachin there?” He finally asked with a shaking voice.

 

Viktor smiled awkwardly. “Sure, but that's something else I wanted to talk to you about.”

 

Yuris body tensed up even more at that, thinking it might be bad news or something.

 

“Yuri.. I know you will hate this but I'd really like to take you to a doctor.”

 

“No”

 

“Just wait.” Viktor put his hands on Yuri's shoulder and held him tight. “I will be with you the whole time, you won't get medication. He is a acquaintance of mine so don't worry about it but maybe with his help we can get you approved for a service dog. I've been training Makkachin for you already the whole time and if the doctor says yes, and Makkachin passes a test you can take him everywhere all the time.”

 

“But I'm not sick Vitya..” Yuris eyes started to water. He didn't know if he was scared or if it were happy tears of the thought to take Makkachin everywhere. “And Makka is your dog after all...”

 

“Let's be honest here, you spend far more time with Makkachin than I do and Yuri, you are sick. You freaking faint, you panic, you hurt yourself from time to time with scratching and we can tell all this to the doctor and how much Makkachin helps you. He might need to check you but like I said, no injections and no medications, I pinky promise.” With that word he let go of the shoulders and stretched out one of his pinkys. Very hesitant Yuri hooked his own into it and tried to smile.

 

“Alright, let us do that then.”

 

“Right now?We can go to the rink together afterwards” Yuri nodded and looked down at the dog who had his head resting on his lap. “Don't worry, we can take him but he needs to wait in the car when we go into the doctors office.”

 

Yuri simply nodded again.

 

The doctor was a nice man. He kept smiling and talked very calmly, but Yuri didn't really listen. He concentrated so hard on breathing that he just couldn't. The pressure in his ears rose and without knowing he started scratching his hand. It was Viktor who bumped his side with his elbow.

 

“Hey, you okay Yura?”

 

Yuri nodded, still not really catching up on the question. There was no check up and the talk didn't last for long anymore. As soon as he could Yuri jumped into the backseat of the car and hugged Makkachin, who started licking his face caringly. With a sigh Viktor followed and started up the car.

 

“Well, that's good news right? We need to practice some more with Makkachin until the test.”

 

Now that Yuri could finally hear clearly again he realized what just happened. He could be with the dog everywhere all the time. Makkachin would be his service dog. Happy tears started coming to his eyes but he quickly closed those to keep them in. He didn't want to let his emotions out. He could do that while skating. And he did.

 

Two weeks passed by in which both males were working with Makkachin, even though he was behaving perfectly, and skating together. Viktor was impressed by how much his little brother had improved in just this year. He was impressed on how flexible he was and how fast he learned. Yuri was only twelve and he already knew so much stuff Viktor only learned in his older years.

 

It was only two days before the summer camp that a professional trainer came to their place to test Makkachin. He looked over everything the dog did and how he fulfilled his tasks, which he aced perfectly and stayed close to Yuri the whole time. When they went outside to test him in social situations he behaved perfectly like an angel and watched over Yuri carefully. It even was the first time Makkachin wore a harness and he didn't bother at all.

 

Makkachin passed the test with an almost full score. Yuri was relieved. Everything was settled. He didn't need to be alone ever again.

 

The morning two days after, Viktor took Yuri with him to the rink pretty early. It was 7am but the camp had started. Yuri almost didn't want to get out of the car when he saw how many other cars were parked there and how many parents said goodbye and good luck to their kids.

 

“Come on Yura.” Viktor called from outside the car, making Yuri flinch. His hands were shaking a little but he got out and quickly got Makkachin from the backseat, holding on tight to his leash. The dog reacted rather quickly. He stayed so close to Yuri that his shoulder touched the boys leg and gave him some stability.

 

Of course when they entered like that all the attention was drawn to them. All the 'Awws' and squeals making Yuri even more uncomfortable. When a girl came running up to them wanting to pet Makkachin, Yuri didn't know what to do anymore. The dog tho moved behind Yuri, guarding him from behind and hiding from the girl.

 

“Let me pet the dog!” The girl exclaimed with pouty face. Before Yuri could even start to stutter around, Viktor cam to the rescue.

 

“Sorry but the dog is working and can't be petted. He's a service dog. We will say a little more about that later when everyone is here.”

 

The girl frowned and crossed her arms but finally walked away. With a relived sigh Yuri sat down on a bench and placed his bag beside him. Makkachin of course laid down beside him.

 

At one point Yuri heard a loud whistle He opened his eyes, which seemingly had fallen shut, and jumped up from the bench. The rink wasn't completely full but for Yuri it were still too any people. He wanted to run up to Viktor, who was standing with Yakov and some other people, but his way was blocked by all those kids standing in front of them.

 

Yuri slowly made his way to the group with his dog but stayed a little behind them, Makkachin this time guarding him from the side again.

 

“Welcome to my summer camp.” It was his trainers Voice. Yuri once again could barely pick up on the words. It was only because of Makkachin he wasn't that tense. “This will be a week of constant training to help you improve on everything. Your group of course will be split and you will have different lessons throughout the week. We will work on your stamina, your ballet, your skating and much more.” The man kept on talking, but Yuri wasn't to interested in it. He wanted to start training now and get his mind off of everything.

 

“Now Viktor want to talk to you about something.” He said ending his speech and stepping back.

 

Viktor smiled at the group, cheerful as ever. “Hey every one! I'm Viktor Nikiforov, some of you might have heard of me.”

 

Instantly everyone started whispering and some even clapped making the silver haired male laugh a little. “Oh please I'm just a normal guy like you are. Now, would you all do me a favor and make a gab in the middle of you?”

 

A little confused the kids looked around but they obeyed. It was only then that they noticed Yuri again. Viktor waved him towards him.

 

The attention was a little too much. Makkachin already reacted, taping Yuri's hands with his nose and his legs with his paws while they walked through the gap. Yuri needed to sit down at least but he didn't want to draw even more attention to himself. He came to a halt next to Viktor and turned around to face everyone.

 

“Everyone, this here is Yuri and the dog here is Makkachin.” He smiled. Everyone stayed silent. “I need to inform everyone here that Makkachin is here to work. He is Yuris service dog. So you can't pet him, it could distract him and something could happen to Yuri in the mean time, okay?”

 

A hand was raised from somewhere in the middle.

 

“What's is purpose?” A male voice asked.

 

“Ah, Makkachin is performing medical task just as psychiatric tasks. I really hope that answers your question. But all together, Yuri really needs Makkachin close to him to be able to function properly, so even is he is on the ice and Makkachin is sitting at the side, please don't distract him as he will be paying attention, alright?” Everyone nodded. Viktor smiled widely. “Great, thanks everyone! Now, we already separated you guys into groups and made schedules for you.”

 

With that Viktor got out a list and started reading the names, together with Group A, B, C or whatsoever. He had told them where every group would meet. Yuri observed everyone leave one by one and slowly got relieved. Yuri himself got sorted into group C. Together with Makkachin he went to the ballet studio. There weren't that many people in there. Separating them seemed like a good idea.

 

The teacher wouldn't wait for long once everyone had arrived and made them stretch and warm up. Yuri let Makkachin sit at the side and did as he was told while he tried to block out the people around him. He wanted nothing to do with them. When they were finally doing some more advanced stretches Yuri saw a boy, a little older than himself, struggle. Again he blocked it out. He was there to improve himself an not to care about any other person.

 

It felt like the ballet lesson took forever when finally their teacher dismissed them and told them they would next have to go to the ice. Yuri hurried over to Makkachin, gave him a few pets and followed the other kids from his group downstairs again.

 

All the training was exhausting. Even though Yuri had been training a lot by himself and they had lots of breaks in between it was hard. It was still different to be trained by a teacher than by himself where he could slack off from time to time and wasn't corrected on anything.

 

After they had been skating for rather long they finally had their lunch break. Yuri wanted to sit alone but this didn't go as planned. Ha had sat down and told Makkachin to go under his chair when the boy he had seen struggling in ballet class sat down opposite him.

 

“Hey, can I sit here?” He asked quite indifferent. Yuri stayed silent. He tensed up but nodded. Makkachin between his legs was already touching his feet with his paw when he realized how tense he was and how his breathing got faster. Yuri however tried not to react to it and just continue eating.

 

The boy opposite him stayed silent as well. He was the silent type and it seemed like he really only wanted to sit there and eat.

 

“One of my cousins has a service dogs too.” He suddenly said quietly. “I don't know why tho.”

 

“I see...” Yuri replied not too interested. He was there to train, not to find friends, right? However Yuri couldn't help but realize the boy had an accent. He for sure wasn't from Russia.

 

“I'm Otabek by the way.” He gave a little smile which he dropped again quickly.

 

“Okay.. I'm Yuri..” He responded still not interested. Then again Otabek said nothing more.

 

Even though the training was extremely exhausting and hard, Yuri never complained or took an extra break once. He was grateful for it. He was there to improve after all.

 

The training throughout the week was repetitive but it didn't matter. Yuris splits and figures improved. His turns and jumps were better and he had so much more stamina in the end. He never really talked to anybody. They all had formed some small groups and he was part of none of them. He tried not to care and concentrate but deep inside it still felt lonely. Even Otabek didn't talk to him much. From time to time he observed Yuri but he never realized. Otabek was fascinated by Yuri. How flexible he was and the way he skated. It was too perfect too not look at it. And then those eyes. So desperately he wanted to tell him and talk more to him but he always seemed so cold. He never interacted with anyone besides his dog. It seemed like he didn't want any friends.

 

When the camp ended Otabek couldn't even say goodbye. He wanted to go up to him and say it, maybe even exchange phone numbers, but the courage had left him when he saw him walk to the car with Viktor. He sighed and left without another word.

 

“How was it in your opinion?” Viktor asked once he had started the car but Yuri only shrugged.

 

“Okay I guess. I improved.”

 

“And did you find friends?” He grinned.

 

Yuri again tensed up. He started to pet Makkachin. “Not really but I don't care. I wasn't there to find friends.”

 

Viktor didn't seem too satisfied with that answer. He really hoped that Yuri would find at least one friend and not be that lonely anymore. His plan had failed. And of course as soon as they were home Yuri was gone again and hid in his room to cry in peace, questioning why not one person liked him.

 

Since the day he had moved in with Viktor his mental health seemed to get worse and worse every day. He had gotten soft. When he was still on the streets he was able to keep all those emotions bottled up for a long time and now he bawled his eyes out almost every week. Maybe he needed to leave again and toughen up.

 

Everything got even worse when Yuri was told that he should go to a normal school and not be home schooled anymore. He had caught up on everything and it would be better, they said. Yuri didn't complain about it. He didn't show any signs of how much he despised that idea. Not even the fact he could take Makkachin with him helped.

 

The first day of school came way too quickly. Yuri had been unable to sleep all night. His bag was packed, his clothes were ready on his chair. He only needed to get out of bed and get ready himself. His alarm had rung two times already. Maybe if he ignored it he didn't need to go be he knew too well that wasn't how it work. The next time it rung, he finally got up and took a quick shower. The school wasn't far away. He had to walk the five minutes so he needed to leave soon. He dried his hair and quickly dressed. Luckily he needed no school uniform. He put the hood on his head before he took his bag and made Makkachin ready to leave. It would be stressful to keep everyone away from him. It was Viktor who had talked to the school about this.

 

Yuri grabbed the leash harder the closer he came to school. There were so many people. He wanted to turn around as soon as he saw it but he couldn't. He already was such a burden for the Nikiforov family, he couldn't also disappoint them now.

 

It felt like everyone stared at him as soon as he entered the school grounds. People around him made Noises, tried to call Makkachin or secretly petted him with walking very closely next to him. Of course it distracted the dog. He didn't fully realize how hard Yuris breathing was. How anxious, how close the panic attack was. Yuri tried to walk faster. He entered the empty building and finally sat down on a bench, collecting himself, which of course didn't work out.

 

Makkachin started to whine, like he was apologizing for not taking care enough. Yuri started to scratch him behind the ear. He had no time to be like that but he couldn't help it. He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall behind him.

 

“Hey, are you alright?” A female voice suddenly asked. Yuri quickly opened his eyes to look at the woman. Everything was a little blurry but at least he could see that it was an adult, probably a teacher. “You must be Yuri right? I heard about you, are you feeling unwell?”

 

“I...” Yuris voice was cracking a bit. Makkachin kept on taping his legs to make him lay down at last. “I'm not feeling good. I'm dizzy. I need to lay down.” He finally brought out.

 

“Okay.” She sounded understanding. “Do you think you can make it to the infirmary? It's not far.”

 

A little hesitant the blond nodded. He pushed himself up. The woman held on to his arm in case he collapsed but it didn't happen. Yuri made it to the room, even to the bed and quickly laid down just as the bell rang. Makkachin jumped up and laid across him to keep pressure on him. It helped, but Yuri needed to rest. He was about o pass out. He felt like a failure.

 

“I'll go tell your teacher that you're here. Alright? I'll be back soon to take care of you.”

 

Yuri didn't respond anymore. His eyes fell shut. He was gone.

 

Viktor's mother arrived an hour later to pick him up but it happened again the next day and again on the day after that. Not one day Yuri was able to make it to class, making the whole family doubt their decision. They discussed for hours, they talked to professionals after they allowed Yuri to stay home the remaining week and then, finally made the decision to continue homeschooling.

 

One one hand Yuri of course was happy about that. He wouldn't have to go back to school ever again, there were too many bad things he connected with it, but then again, he felt like a burden and a failure even more, and feeling like a failure was the worst when he had always been expected to be perfect for the first few years of his life. And with the thought how imperfect he was he fell asleep that night, having a new nightmare.

 

_A hand was raised and swung through the air until it collided with the cheek of the young boy. There was no noise of pain. He turned his head sideways and placed his own hand on the cheek. His eyes seemed empty and lifeless. His body was covered in wounds but it never hurt. It was only later the pain would come through when the drugs stopped working. He had no idea what it was his mother gave him but it stopped the pain, however it made him feel disgusting. He always fell unconscious at first and had no idea what happened when he woke up with new wounds._

 

“ _You are such a failure! Can't you just do one thing right?” The woman grabbed to boy by his hair to raise up his head._

 

“ _Sorry...” He whispered, rather indifferent. Another slap on his other cheek this time._

 

“ _A sorry makes nothing better! I wish you were never born Yuri! You're nothing but a burden for everyone!”_

 

No matter how time kept on passing, Yuris feelings didn't change and it became even worse when Viktor announced something. He would be moving out. It wouldn't be far away and just across the street but it made Yuri crash and break down again as soon as he was alone. He gave himself all the fault, thought Viktor wanted nothing to do with him anymore at all, even though he offered him to stay over as often as he wanted to. The hole Yuri was sitting in got deeper and deeper, he had no way of climbing out of it on his own anymore .

 

When Viktor didn't live with them anymore, Yuri never came out of his room. He stayed locked in, sneaking in some food ever so often, leaving to go skating without being seen in the morning and coming back late in the evening, training more and more every day.

 

For a few weeks he tried his best to stay away from Viktor but he missed his bigger brother too much to do it for too long And Viktor as well missed him too much too accept it for too long. Before Yuri could even make up his mind and come to him Viktor drove to the rink and surprised him while he was taking a break.

 

“Yura.” He said calmly, getting his attention really quickly. “Hey, do you maybe wanna stay over for a few days? Mum and dad say they never get to see you anymore.”

 

Yuri of course tried to act tough and not show how much he missed him. “Sure, why not.” He mumbled. Viktor started smiling. Even though he didn't sound enthusiastic, it was enough for him. They could finally spend some time together.

 

When Yuri was done with practice in the afternoon Viktor took him to his new apartment. It was big and looked amazing but again Yuri kept his mouth shut and had a cold expression he always wore.

 

“Looks nice.” he sighed and sat down on the sofa.

 

“Thanks. Yura you can stay here as often as you want to you know that, right? Just because I moved doesn't mean I don't want to spend any more time with you. It's just that I'm getting a little old to still live with mum and dad.”

 

“Okay.” the blond simply answered but there was more on his mind. _Why couldn't you take me with you, you have enough space?_ This question however wouldn't come out of his mouth.

 

“How is everything going at the moment with school and skating?” Viktor asked as he sat down next to him.

 

“Good I suppose. Home schooling is peaceful and I think my skating is improving as well.”

 

The older male thought for a while. “Yura...” He finally said a little insecure. “How about we talk to Yakov about you taking part in your first competition?” Yuri looked up at him. “After I have seen you skate today I think you are actually ready for it. We can look for a smaller one for you to take part. What do you think?”

 

He had to think for a while. Maybe doing this would cheer him up. Showing the world what he was able to do. If Viktor thought he could do it, maybe he could really win and maybe not feel as bad anymore. After a lot of debating inside his head he finally nodded, making Viktor smile, once again.

 

Yakov seemed to be okay with the idea as well and very soon Yuri was signed up for a local competition that wasn't too big. Yuri tried to train even harder. He did everything to his best abilities but he got worked up more the closer the competition came. His nerves got to him and whenever something didn't work out he got upset. He hated failing more than anything.

 

The day of the competition came faster than Yuri wanted. Even though not too many people was there Yuri was nervous. It got even worse after his pep talks with both his coach and Viktor. He tried to block it out and kept warming up with one earphone in. They had told him not to watch the skaters before him but that made it even worse. He needed to know how good he needed to skate but instead he was in this dressing room, hoping around on his skates, stretching the whole time until his name was called. He followed the older males to the ice he needed to go on jut a few seconds later. When he was on it and skated around to get a feel for it, Viktor cheered for him. He really didn't need that. Makkachin on the side seemed calm enough that Yuri shouldn't worry that something could happen to him. For now it was his goal just to let all his anger he collected over the past weeks out in this once performance ha had. He went to the middle of the ice and took a breath before his music started.

 

Yuri stared at himself in the Mirror in the dressing room. Second. He had won second place. He wanted to punch someone, no, he wanted to punch himself but instead he yelled. He yelled so loud Viktor came running into the room.

 

“Yura! What's the matter?! Did something happen?” He wanted to hug the boy, but was pushed away. He couldn't contain his anger anymore.

 

“Leave me the fuck alone!” He yelled at the older.

 

“Calm down Yura! You did great! It's your first competition and you won second place! You were the youngest person here that's amazing!” He tried to sound cheery and happy but it was no use.

 

“I said, Leave me alone! I ' _won_ ' second place? Second is the first and biggest looser, don't you get that? Just fuck off!”

 

Viktor had no words anymore. It saddened him to see the little boy like that and he didn't get why he would think that way after an accomplishment like that but it was no use to talk to him like that when he was that angry. He decided to leave for good.

 

When Yuri was finally alone again he kept having one question inside his head. What even was happiness and why couldn't he feel it?

 


	4. Breaking apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Yuri finds safety.

Second, second, second, or in Yuris words: Failure, failure failure. It took almost a year for Yuri to finally win first place in a competition and still it wasn't enough for him. He didn't want to win by one or two points, he wanted there to be ten, maybe twenty points between him and the next person. Everyone celebrated him. Viktor twirled him around, gave him hugs throughout the whole day. Yakov patted him on the back, complimented on how good he skated and how he made the choreography his own. Viktors parents had made Pirozhki  that evening and kept saying how amazing it was and how they were in tears when they announced him first. But it wasn't enough. Yuri was angry with himself. He kept telling himself to be happy but it didn't work. He screamed into his pillow, punched it, even ripped some of his own hair out until Makkachin stopped him.

 

When Yuri laid down at last he stared at the ceiling. This whole year he had done nothing else but train. He wanted more. He wished he had won first place even earlier, that he broke some kind of record by now, but no. He still was a middle class skater in his mind. It made him angry. Everything made him angry and he didn't understand how and why. For a year now he had been acting like a brat and couldn't control himself anymore. This life was getting to his head. Yuri hated himself for being that way. He hated himself so much that he cried even more every night.

 

However there was one good thing about his changes. Yuri wasn't scared anymore. He could go out in public without having a panic attack, he was able to talk to people, even though he always appeared rude. He still always had Makkachin with him, but he didn't need to rely on the dog anymore the whole time. It was rare the boy needed the dog to tell him to lay down quickly because he would pass out. Still, it made him more comfortable to be with the dog. It calmed him at least a little bit. It was like he didn't want Makkachin to see him so angry and upset.

 

Yuri won the next competition as well, this time with a five point difference. _Why not ten?_ , he asked himself as he punched the wall in the dressing room. This evening he fled quickly from the celebrations, telling he was tired and wanted to sleep early so he could get back to training in the morning. He never told anybody how he really felt. Around the others he acted happy but as soon as someone talked more to him about his win he got defensive and walked away before he would potentially punch them in the face.

 

Some time before Yuris 14th birthday Yakov signed him up for a big competition in the junior division. A competition Viktor would take part in as well, in the senior division of course. Yuri didn't care what risk he was taking with being live on TV. He forgot how people from his old life could be watching and of course he didn't care about the consequences.

 

Yuris short program was to a quick song. It contained lot of step sequences and just a few jumps, which of course made Yuri angry as jumps were his specialty. He would be on in a few more minutes.

 

“Yura.” A tap on the boys shoulder. He took out his earphones he had been wearing to go through the choreography one more time in his head. He turned to look into Viktor's face. “Good luck.” The man said with a smile on his lips. Lately it had been difficult to talk to Yuri. He had no idea how to handle him anymore.

 

“Thanks..” Yuri simply responded and was about to put in his earphones again. Viktor sighed and left him alone.

 

Everyone seemed to like Yuris program. It was fast, it was upbeat, everyone was cheering, the commentators complimented everything he did but there were two people who disliked it.

 

Yuri was the first. He hated everything he did. _Sharper_ , he told himself with every isolated movement. _Higher_ , he thought after every jump. _Faster_ , he critiqued himself after his turns. It wasn't the choreography he hated. He hated how, in his mind, he messed every little step up. Once again it made him angry.

 

The second person was Viktor. Very closely he watched his little brother while biting down on the nail of his thumb. Something was missing in the boys skating. Everything should be there. Yuris technique was there, it was on point, his steps were sharp, he did more turns than Viktor could when he was his age before getting dizzy and throwing up on the ice but something more important was missing and Viktor knew exactly what it was.

 

Yuris free program was slower. It had more jumps and tricks, more turns but everything felt the same as in the short program to both, Yuri and Viktor.

 

Of course, Viktor would hide his thoughts. He gave a big hug to the little boy, complimented him and celebrated when he won first place, even though he didn't think Yuri deserved it.

 

It was early when everyone was woken up by the doorbell. Yuri checked his phone. March 1st, 6:23 am. Who the hell would ring the bell at this time. Yuri didn't really want to care, but something felt off about this. He quietly got up from his bed and opened the door to his room just a tiny bit to peek through the opening. He saw Viktors parents both at the door, talking to a man, however Yuri couldn't see more.

 

“I don't understand this..” It was the voice of Viktors mother, something definitely was wrong, judging by her tone of voice. “He told us he had no parents.”

 

Yuri stopped breathing. This was about him.

 

“Ma'am, I'm sorry but hen he must have told you a lie. He ran away from home a few years back. His mother had been searching for him for all this time and now that she has seen him on TV..”

 

The words seemed distant to Yuri. Ran away. Mother. TV. Yuri realized what mistake he had made. He wanted to run but it was impossible. Even though no one changed locations the words sounded so far away now. He was surrounded by a beeping sound and he suddenly felt so dizzy. He could barely pick up on the talk but he tried to concentrate to at least make out some words.

 

“.. so sorry....know...homeless...took him...” It was the trusted male voice of Viktors father by now.

 

“What's going on?” Suddenly, a clear Voice. Viktor. But his voice as well turned into a mess soon as well. “Who...”

 

Yuri stumbled backwards and landed on his bed before the darkness surrounded him. The last words he could here were: _“We're from child protective services and we're here to take Yuri Plisetsky home to his mother.”_

 

Yuri blocked everything out what happened next. He didn't listen to what anyone said. He didn't hug Viktor or his parents back. He blocked out how he was lead to the unfamiliar car and how they drove into the direction of his former home while he stared out of the window.

 

 _I should have been more careful_ , he thought. For years he had lived with the Nikiforov family now without being caught. Even though he had been living a lie, it was the best time he had in his life. He should have been more grateful, he should have been more satisfied, he should have been ...happier.. Now that beautiful time was over. Now, after all those years on the run he had to go back and it all was for nothing.

 

When the car stopped in front of the huge apartment building panic arose in Yuri. It had been a while since the last time this happened and just then he saw that he had scratched open his hands during the ride. He needed his service dog, more then ever.

 

With a “brrr” the first door opened. The men lead Yuri upstairs. He looked down at his feet. When they reached the top floor the door there had been already opened and a woman was waiting. He still didn't look up when he was pulled into a hug.

 

“Oh Yuri! I thought I had lost you!” The words and his surroundings were dull. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear that woman or the men behind him talk. He didn't care about it. He already was thinking about how he could run away again. Where he could hide. Where he could go. And then he was pulled into the small flat. For a moment both of them stood there. The steps outside were getting more quiet and as soon as they finally vanished completely, a hand hit Yuri in the face. He moved his head sideways, a small hissing noise escaped his mouth. The hand now came from the other side. His cheeks were hit over and over again until they were red and swollen. No words were spoken up until that moment in time.

 

“You're such a disgrace!” The woman hissed at her son. When he didn't answer, she kept hitting him.

 

“How dare you run away? I gave you everything!” She stopped another time. “Still not talking?!”

 

Yuri clenched his teeth to prevent a word from slipping out. The next time he was hit with the first. His lip started bleeding.

 

“I have enough about this shit!” His mother yelled. She grabbed the young boy by his hair and pulled him with her to a little, dark room. In there she pushed him down to a chair and fixated his arms and legs on it. That was when Yuri started fighting

 

“No stop this! Leave me alone! I don't want to be your experiment anymore! Don't you get that this is why I ran away! Mother please!” For a second Yuri wanted to punch himself. For showing reactions, for speaking but especially for calling this monster of a woman his mother.

 

“Shut up Yuri!” She yelled while she filled some thick substance into a syringe. “While you were gone I got further with my research and experiments, even though I didn't have someone to test it on. It cost me a lot of time. Now that you're back we have a lot to catch up on.” She turned around again, the syringe now filled with the thick, light blue liquid.

 

“You're crazy! Stop it, mom please! You will kill me one day! Please! What would father say about this?!” Yuri screamed. He tried to kick his legs, move his arms and wiggle around in the chair but it was no use.

 

“Hold still!” She grabbed one of Yuris arms and looked at it for a while before she moved the syringe closer to his skin. The needle was almost touching him now. “If you were to die I'd at least know that it's still not right! And your father his dead! He wouldn't say anything about this! He was a researcher just like me!” With that the needle entered Yuris flesh. He started to scream high pitched. Tears streamed down his face as the substance was entering him. It might have been his imagination but it felt like it was burning him from the inside, like he was going to die, but instead he just blacked out. The burning pain however stayed.

 

When Yuri opened his eyes the next time he found himself on a bed in a dark room. His old room. His legs were weak and his whole body was trembling but he still pushed himself up and walked around. At one point his shoulder stroke something soft. Curtains. With a deep breath Yuri pulled them open. Moonlight flooded the small room. Everything was still the same as the day he left here.

 

There was a bookshelf, filled with school- and medicine books. Way to complicated books for him and yet he was forced to learn all this. When he protested to learn it, his mother thought him the hard way. The scars on his body always reminded him of this. He quickly turned. There wasn't much in his room. The empty desk with only a lamp and the small bed. He crouched down and pulled open the drawer underneath it. There were his old clothes. All of them were plain and of course wouldn't fit him anymore. With a sigh he closed it and looked at the wall nest to his bed. It was covered in photos of his family. His dead grandfather and father and sadly, his mother as well.

 

Yuri sat down again. He felt too weak after all of this. He looked at the while ceiling and blue walls. He was stuck t this place once again but this time he was older.

 

“I have enough of this..” He whispered to himself quietly. Next to his bed he saw the bag pack full of the things he took with him from the Nikiforov household. He quietly took and opened it. It looked like everything was still there. As careful as possible he got every item of clothing out one by one. The last pair of pants was heavier. Of course it was. It had his phone in it. That was all he wanted. He got it out and turned it on, quickly putting it on silent more before notification could stream in.

 

No messages from Viktor or his parents.

 

“They must hate me...” Yuri whispered again. “I lied to them. They must think I used them. I'm sure they hate me.” For the first time Yuri wasn't sure what to do anymore but he would fight, even if nobody was on his side.

 

And that is what he did from day one. He never bowed to his mothers will, even if it lead to getting hit, experimented on or locked in. Yuri wasn't sure how he survived it when he got weaker day by day. Slowly all of this destroyed his body. Yuri knew it. He threw up after every meal he got. When he got a wound it wouldn't stop bleeding at all. He always was dizzy and could barely walk a straight line. It was becoming a routine. No matter how much he fought, he couldn't do it alone.

 

When Yuri woke up in his room again the first thing he did was throw up in the bucket next to his bed. Only two weeks had passed but his mental state of mind was worse than ever before. Without thinking about it anymore he took his phone and scrolled through his contacts. At Viktor name he stopped. He clicked the little envelope icon and started typing.

 

“ _Vitya, rescue me.”_ He stared at the screen for a while.

 

Viktor woke up in his bed from the sound of his phone next to him. He rubbed his eyes. This was odd. He never woke up from his phone, not even if someone called, but this felt different. Sleepy as he was he took the device and unlocked it only to see a text message from none other than Yuri. Never in his life he had tapped on a message that fast and what he saw scared him. Rescue me. He had no idea what it meant.

 

“ _What's wrong Yuri?”_ Viktor didn't think much about it when he hit send.

 

Yuri on the other hand didn't know what to say anymore when he read the message. It destroyed him to read it. Yuri. For such a long time he hadn't been called Yuri by Viktor. He had been so used to being called Yura. Maybe it was just a typo. He took a breath before he finally called. It was picked up at an instance.

 

“Yuri? Yuri what's going on?” Viktor sounded so concerned and yet it felt weird.

 

“I... Vitya I can't do this. She is torturing me.” He tried his best to hold in the sobs.

 

“I don't get it. Listen Yuri I don't understand anything anymore and you lied to me from the beginning. Can you at least try to be clear for once now?” Against Yuris expectations, the man on the other end didn't sound mad, but rather disappointed.

 

With that Yuri took a deep breath.

 

“Okay. Okay I will explain everything. My parents both were researchers. I have no idea for what. They did all those experiments. I... I always was more of a dad-kid. I loved him he loved me bla bla all this shit. My mum on the other hand never really loved me and I didn't feel much of a connection to her as well. She forced me to learn a lot, especially about medicine even though I didn't want to.” He hesitated for a second, but Viktor said nothing. “It kinda happened fast. My father died and so did my granddad. For gods sake I loved my grandpa so much..” He stopped to sniff and stroke away his tears. He had to remind himself to keep his voice down.

 

“What happened then?” Finally a question from Viktor.

 

“I.. I forgot a lot but my mum got really angry after my fathers death. She started to hit me and... And she started testing her weird experiments on me. That's why I'm so scared of doctors Vitya. She gave me all this medicine all the time and injected me with who knows what. One day when I was home alone I ran away and have been running since then.”

 

A deep breath on the other end.

 

“I didn't want to lie to you Vitya, it just kind of happened. I don't even see her as my mother anymore after all that has happened. Please forgive me Vitya, please get me out of here. She is doing it again. I'm noting more than some test object for her, Vitya.. I can't do it anymore. She doesn't even care if I would die in one of those experiments. I.. I am locked in here Vitya and I can't leave. I tried to fight her but it never ends well. It feels like I am burning on the inside and I am so weak. I can't hold on much longer. Vitya if I can't leave I will end this on my own. I can't...”

 

“Calm down. Breath Yuri.” When Yuri closed his eyes and breathed it was almost like he could see Viktor in front of him, holding his hands and breathing slowly together with him. “I will get you out of there Yuri. I promise it, as fast as possible. Please hold on for this long.”

 

“I will Vitya.. thank you so much..” Yuri said as he laid back don on his bed and pulled up his sheets.

 

“Don't thank me Yura. I will do my best so I'll see you again very soon, yes?”

 

“Yes Vitya..”

 

Viktor supressed a yawn. He got out of his bed. “You should sleep Yuri, I will start working on everything now.”

 

The call ended and Yuri fell asleep.

 

 _Hold on,_ He told himself. _Keep going. It will be over soon._ He kept thinking about this every day until the doorbell rang. Even though Yuri had been in the bathroom, throwing up for at least 20 minutes, at this moment he wanted to run to the door but he couldn't. Instead he pulled himself up by the heater ans stumbled to the bathroom door, opening it just a little bit to see his mother, speaking to the unknown person at the door.

 

“What's the matter sir?” She asked in the nicest voice she possibly could fake.

 

“Ma'am we got a call of someone who is concerned that there is child abuse going on inside this house. Actually several calls.”

 

That was it. Yuri was free. He could stop fighting. He opened the door a little wider, ready to take a step forward when everything just went black around him like so often.

 

For the first time in forever Yuri didn't care that an ambulance was called. He didn't care when he was in the hospital, not even when they treated his wounds and whatsoever. He didn't care that he had to stay there for a couple of days. He only cared about what he was told.

 

He wouldn't have to go back. His mother would be locked away and they would never see each other again. Especially he cared that there was this nice family willing to take him in. His new official foster family, the Nikiforovs. When he heard that he couldn't help but cry. The thought helped him to get through all of this. The thought of going home. His real home.

 

When Yuri was finally back home, he cried happy tears for hours. He explained everything to his foster parents and Viktor. Every little detail, his whole life story, apologizing over and over again even when they told him to stop.

 

Finally Yuri was safe and finally happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was kinda rushed and is probably badly written. I'll do better next time!


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